When I was in grade school an art teacher saw me hurrying to finish what I was doing in his class. He told me something I have never forgotten. “Art is not a race,” he said. Then he gave me the instruction to work slowly. I was to fill up an entire page with my drawing so that there was no blank space left. I was not a patient child and did not become any more so as a teen. I only succeeded in completing that instruction as a young adult. I struggle to to slow down and make things that will last.
Since then I have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder and Asperger’s and I struggle with those too. The bipolar has been a struggle most of my life but more so in my childhood before it was detected. When I was ‘up’ people were amazed at my energy and worried about my explosive temper and lack of patience. And when I was ‘down’ everyone worried instead about my lack of interest in all the things about which I’d been excited a week or a month before. Then they would tell me I wasn’t “living up to my full potential.” That phrase like the one from my art teacher has unfortunately also stuck with me. In my early twenties the bipolar was recognized and the worries at least had a name. I have tried to develop strategies through the years to deal with it, and art has been one of them.
My Asperger’s was detected about ten years after that. It probably took so long because it didn’t cause me the kind of distress the bipolar did. I have always seen myself as a little weird, and Asperger’s gives some definition to that weirdness. But I celebrate it in a way that I do not and cannot with the bipolar. In fact, I have come to regard the word weird with such a positive connotation that I created a word for things in my life that are both weird and bad. I call them suckedelic. That word at least is part of the weirdness that I celebrate, even though the things it describes are not.
I have always had a love for words but putting them in writing remains hard for me. As an avenue for my creativity, writing is becoming a bigger part of my life though. With the exception of class work I didn’t really start writing prose and poetry until I was an adult. While I believe I have a natural talent with music and am becoming skilled at digital art, I am not so gifted in writing. I am also not nearly so prolific at it as my wife. But unlike singing someone else’s song, putting my own words on paper or a screen gives me a sense that I am creating something original for the world.
This blog also helps me share my weirdness with the world. Because of my bipolar I strive for balance and making regular posts keeps me both inspired and focused. I have gotten a lot of support and encouragement since I started expressing myself in creative ways. Hopefully this blog will outlive me and be of benefit to those I leave behind.
So what does this mean to you? Perhaps you are aching to find a voice but think that art isn’t one of your gifts. Natural talent does help, but my singing, designs, and writing still take practice. As I keep practicing I occasionally create something that makes me proud of the attempt. I want to encourage others to develop and share their gifts. And when you feel you don’t have any, I suggest that you make an attempt and practice to develop some. The world needs more beauty and balance. You can express yourself through art, and if you let it, the things you create can inspire and focus you and those around you. As each of us gives these gifts to the world we will make it a better place.
23 February 2023
Latter Day Sinner 