Latter Day Sinner

Christ makes the seemingly simple command to love my neighbor as I love myself. As a teenager I found a workaround to that directive. I did not at the time and sometimes even now love myself. I was off the hook. The more I hated me the less effort I had to put into loving others. That style of thinking still resonates with me today. I think human beings are bundles of selfishness, ignorance, and pride. Sometimes I don’t think there is very much redeemable in any of us. I am a judgemental person at least in part because I judge myself more harshly than I judge any of you. I do love a lot of people at this point in my life, but they are mostly people that love me in return. There is no reward in traditional views of heaven for that. Still that is where I am. I wish to be judged and so I judge others. I feel a deep seated unworthiness so I see other people as unworthy as well. I have trouble loving myself just for being a human being and so I sometimes don’t even try to love my neighbor.