Latter Day Sinner

I have four sons. They are all adults now. The oldest is from a woman I never married. When she got pregnant she asked about an abortion and I gave her a fast and firm no. She broke off the relationship but kept the child. We have over the years mostly been civil. Brandon is fairly neurotypical but has a lot of the signs of growing up in a broken home.

I fell in love with Stephanie while Brandon’s mom and I had just started talking again. I wanted them to share me but nobody was on board with that. It was an uncomfortable meeting with the bishop. I had a rule that I wouldn’t propose before dating for six months. Stephanie didn’t like that rule and proposed to me at 4 1/2. I said yes and we’ve been married for almost 28 years.

We both wanted a big family so we started having kids. William was about four when he needed clinical help and received an autism diagnosis. Our next child Alex who was a year younger was also showing signs of delay. When he was tested he didn’t present classic autism. He revived a diagnosis of Pervasive Developmental Disorder – Not Otherwise Specified (PDD-NOS). We had Ben around that time but decided to stop having children at that point because the therapies were so hard on everyone. Ben got an autism diagnosis pretty quickly.

One of the things that I found as they grew older and had continuing clinical interventions is how many of their behaviors had a name. Those names often helped me make sense of myself. For instance I tend to repeat phrases to myself over and over to get them to sound right in my head. The clinical term for that is scripting. When I did it as a child my mother called it “diahhrea of the mouth.” Not the most supportive way to deal with it.

The boys got bigger and the delays became more obvious. Brandon’s mom struggled with him as a teenager and eventually agreed to 50/50 custody because our house such as it was maintained a better environment for him.

Brandon moved in with a girl in Indiana and had a daughter. She is my only grandchild. But they broke up. He is local again and has a stable relationship. William moved into a rent controlled apartment across town and is doing well with supports.

Alex and Ben are still in the family home. Alex is non verbal and Ben can talk but not hold a conversation. They will likely be with Stephanie and me for the rest of our lives. We are currently able to give them the least restrictive environment at the lowest cost to the state, so apart from monthly checks from mandated reporters we are mostly left alone to care for them.

Phew!